I am standing on the podium, apprising a large audience in a seminar. Everything is going fine until I see something or more precisely somebody. Suddenly I feel the walls are closing in on me. The words on my tongue freeze and my head starts spinning. I hear faint voices around me, calling out to me and asking me if I am OK or not. But I just stand, paralysed, my eyes in one direction but my vision blurry. Abruptly, my legs start moving and the next thing I know is, I am running towards the exit. I run and run until I reach a park. I am breathless. I double over and start gasping for air. But my lungs don’t seem to remember their function. On the other hand, my heart is working twice its speed. I sit down on a nearby bench and try to focus on taking deep breaths. As I start to calm, I bend my knees upwards and place my head on them.
My mind drifts back to the scene which made me run.
I saw a couple in the auditorium. It’s not that I had seen a couple for the first time. It’s just that the couple reminded me of us. They resembled us so much that I couldn’t handle the sight and had a panic attack. I didn’t even know when my eyes started watering until I tasted the salt in my mouth.
It still hurt me, even after five years. He left me alone. He went away taking a piece of my heart with him. The hole in my heart is still prominent and time is not even healing it.
He promised me to fight but he gave up in the end.
He asked me to let him go and free him from the pain.
But how can I let him go when his name is inscribed on my heart.
How could I stand the sight of love, when my definition of love was taken away by cancer.
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